If you’ve ever read a book about happiness (or are on Instagram or even just used the Internet), you’ve almost definitely read about gratitude journaling. Gratitude journaling—the act of writing down one or more things each day that you are grateful for—has been linked to increased happiness, reduced stress, better sleep, better relationships, more optimism, more resilience, and even better physical health. Personally, I find that when I have been able to do a regular gratitude practice, I do feel better. Doing it at the end of the day puts me in a better mood before going to sleep, and I wake up in a more optimistic and relaxed state.
However, it’s only been in the last year that I’ve been able to keep such a practice. I tried it on and off for years, but I would always end up avoiding it. Something about it made me feel crappy (and it's it’s hard to keep up a practice that feels crappy).
One day, as I was trying it again, listing the things I was grateful for – my partner, my family, a walk I'd taken with a friend – I realized that I was struggling to feel those warm and fuzzy emotions I was supposed to feel. I felt guilty about that somehow, as if I wasn't actually grateful. But I knew that wasn't true. I was genuinely grateful, I just couldn't feel it. All I could feel was a ton of stress about an upcoming work deadline, anxiety about test results we were waiting for from the doctor, and a bit of burnout from a long stretch without time off.
Of course. It wasn't that I wasn't grateful for the good in my life. It was that my life and how I felt was not all sunshine, but rather a mix of many experiences, both positive and negative. It seems so obvious, writing this now, but at the time it wasn't. After all, classic gratitude journaling says nothing about this, and there's a lot of cultural messaging that tells us to "just think positive."
I decided to create my own version of gratitude journaling, one that held space for what was difficult, while also shining light on what was good. I call it the Upside Down Gratitude Practice.
The Upside Down Gratitude Practice (or UDGP) feels like a conversation with a good friend. This modified version of gratitude journaling is very doable, and I've found that it can be life changing. It’s Upside Down because we don’t lead with what we’re grateful for – we validate any negative feelings we have first, clearing the way for feeling and receiving the benefits of gratitude. If you also struggle with maintaining a gratitude practice, or if these practices can make you feel guilty or overwhelmed, UDGP might be a way through.
Here’s how it goes:
Part 1: Validate your day
Step 1: Name the emotions
Think back on your day (or your week). How did you feel? For any particularly negative emotions, write “I validate that today I felt [overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, frustrated, sad, etc.]”
Step 2: Soapbox
Next, get on your "soapbox." Expound on what you are feeling. Give yourself freedom to really express yourself about how you’re feeling: "I felt this way because ______."
Step 3: Validate
Finally, write a validating statement. For instance, “This is so normal and understandable. Another person in my situation would feel this way too. It makes sense given all of the above, that I'd feel this way.”
Important: During the "soapbox" part, rather than list all the evidence (which can activate you further), try to just state the situation as you see it, with the attitude that your emotion is a reasonable response to them. Remember, you are here to validate yourself. You do not have to try to prove to yourself that your emotions are valid. You don’t have to fight. This can feel foreign or strange at first, especially if you’re used to having imaginary conversations in your head justifying why you feel the way you’re feeling. If people in your life, past or present, did not accept your emotions, you may feel a desire to fight to be understood. On the flip side, you might be more likely to downplay your feelings, or “fawn,” and pretend everything is fine, even when it’s not. If you're doing one or the other, fighting or fawning, that's okay, just notice and then validate your feelings anyway. What you’re doing here is intentionally validating your feelings about a situation, no matter what someone else might think. In other words, your reasons for having a feeling do not need to be “good.” Your validation is good enough.
If people in your life, past or present, did not accept your emotions, you may feel a desire to fight to be understood... or to “fawn” and pretend everything is fine, even when it’s not.
Repeat this process with other emotions, until you start to feel some neutral or positive emotions creep in. You may feel a little calmer, understood, and appreciated. Notice these feelings — they’re precious! And healing.
Part 2: Three good things
Now that you've acknowledged what isn't feeling good, make a list of three good things. This can come in many forms, but the basic idea is to find things that cause you to feel the emotion of appreciation or gratitude. Here are some ideas for your Three Things:
3 things I did right today
3 things I enjoyed in the last week
3 things that are going well in my life right now
3 things that I find beautiful
3 people who make my life better on a regular basis
3 things I’m good at, or that I like about myself
3 ways my partner/friend/child is an awesome person
Here is an example of a UDGP I did recently. As a musician, I often get frustrated with how ADHD affects my practicing. As you’ll see, other deeper emotions arise during the soapboxing which also needed to be validated. By the end, I felt compassion for myself and was able to end the day feeling grateful and hopeful.
Today, I need to validate feelings of frustration, shame, and anger that I had. I was frustrated because when I practiced cello, I tried hard to concentrate, but I felt like I got very little done. I felt shame because I carry a lot of messaging in my mind about how I should be able to focus, and that a “good” or “professional” musician would be able to be more productive when they practice. I felt anger because this shame made me think about the classical music space, and how unwelcoming it can seem to neurodivergent people. I believe music is human and should not be so exclusive in the name of perfection.
This is so normal, reasonable, and understandable, because anyone in my position could easily feel this way. After all, as classical musicians, we’re taught to strive for perfection, to be “bulletproof,” and to make every minute of our practicing count. These are unreasonable expectations, and given these expectations, it makes sense that I would feel this way about my practice.
Three good things:
I appreciate my willingness to be vulnerable about my struggles and take steps towards making music more inclusive for neurodivergent musicians.
I’m grateful for the supportive conversation I had with my friend.
I’m grateful for good health – my own and my family’s.
Modified Version: Realistically, you might not always have the time or energy to do a full UDGP. Another way to do this practice that I do on evenings when I’m tired and just want to go to bed is I will write “Three bad things” and then follow that with “Three good things.” It gives a sense of balance, and that I don’t have to be happy about everything. I am grateful—I’m also happier because the less happy stuff has been validated.
I hope you find this Upside Down version of gratitude journaling helpful! I would love to hear how it works for you. Even if you just do it once, it can help dislodge a creative block, reduce overwhelm, and help you feel more in control of your life. But you might be able to make it a practice!